My Victim Impact (part 2)

I continue the statement I made before the court with one of Pat’s letters to me while I was pregnant with our third son:

Letter from Pat to me, 1998

Dear Nancy,

Why do I want to live?  I want to be whole.  I want to know a bliss that I believe exists.  I believe that I must be whole before I can give my most to others.

I want to become your soul mate.  I want to have a more complete love for you, a love without dependence.  I want a connection between our minds and souls that is pure love.  I want to accomplish these things, and therefore I want to live.

I want to see my children grow to be good, whole, young adults.  I want for each of them a life full of experiences and the strength to deal with anything that comes their way.  I want to give them the strength, security, and opportunities to make this possible.  For these things, I want to live.

Letter from Pat to me, 1998


When we first met, I saw a strong little flower.  You were out on your own, pursuing a career, and yet you were shy and timid and you were beautiful.

As we talked, I found you were very conscious of the suffering in the world big and small.You cared about people more than anyone I had ever met.  I was drawn to the soul inside you.

Nancy, you and I have something deep that holds us together.

I love you for you.  Your face is beautiful to me like a mountain landscape or an eagle soaring over a river.  Your caring ways make me warm inside and give me joy in knowing that you are with our children.

I love all of you.  I love you when you’re having a bad day.  I love you when you’re mad at me.  I love you when the house is messy.  I love you always.  You know how I feel about most everything in our lives.

I believe that the way we love each other has a great impact on those around us.  Mostly, this is true with our kids, but it also affects our neighbors, extended family, and even strangers that come into contact with us (maybe a chain that never stops).  (A beautiful thing.)

(I speak to the court again…)   I am trying now very hard to continue what Pat and I had together with my 4 beautiful children.  I am trying to reconcile the very human experience of our marriage with what is left, what remains with me now in my world.

Patrick gave me strength, and I am deeply searching my soul for that strength.  I am hoping that this nightmarish physical separation will lead me to realize a more profound union of our souls, so that I can go on to bring more love and goodness to this life on earth that I share with my beloved children, my family, friends, community, you–Judge, and Shane McGee.

I simply need Shane to strive for replacing the GOOD that he took out of this world.  How does punishment, jail, misery fit?

Shane needs to be accountable to me, Patrick, my children, my parents, my family.  He must know what he took out of this world, to get a sense of what he obliterated.

My task is to somehow make Patrick’s spirit the complete opposite of obliteration.  I believe Shane shares this task with me.  Shane can take on that task as a blessing to his life.  Somehow, I will.”

This Post Has One Comment

  1. hathomas

    i’m right here, right now…listening. i wish i could just wrap my arms around you and absorb some of the pain. i’ve tried. every time i reached to hug you, i longed that some of that pain was absorbed by my body, that you wouldn’t have to bear it all.

    it’s amazing that patrick wrote of how your love radiated. in the days following patrick’s death, when speaking to my family, i told them of your love more than anything. how all inspiring, pure, and all encompassing it is. it is a testament to our society. RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW, IN THIS SOCIETY, people can still love, truly, wholly. your love is incredible and still radiates. i want you to know that. you have a love that does not happen in real life anymore. i asked someone the other day what was her secret for having been with her husband for 30 years. she simply replied he was her best friend, and if you asked him, he would say the same. patrick showed this every day through his words and actions. as in everything else that you two accomplished, your love sets the bar. you both lead by example, and it was clear that your love is an example to us all.

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