Oh my God! Patrick died! Oh, God, the pain is unbearable!! Why is it still so intense?! I am in utter disbelief! I am not waking *up from* a nightmare. I am slowly waking *into* a nightmare!! Each day, the realization of my Patrick’s death becomes more literal–it is becoming more real.
The pain now is back to the initial, physical throes of grief. I can’t breathe, I throw up, I can’t eat, I want to stop, I want to shrivel up. My body shakes uncontrollably, I get strong heat, searing flashes, I get shivery cold. My chest is compressed with too much weight. I become paralyzed. I hyperventilate. I become numb and tingly. My stomach hurts. My energy is completely sapped. How? How do I keep going?
He’s NEVER coming back! I feel panicked. I feel the fear rising from deep within. I’m scared.
I haven’t been able to listen to music–it’s too emotional. I haven’t been able to look much at pictures. I haven’t been emotionally able to bring up any vivid memory of him–I have created a protective shell around me to keep me from having a specific memory of him. Today and yesterday, short “moving”, action memories come to me, and I am physically seized again.
Today I lay paralyzed on the couch while family moves about me. Quite abruptly, the rain calls to me from a nearby open window. I walk outside to a semi-private spot and feel the cold rain pelting me.
I am the gentle showers of rain…
Do I feel him in the rain? Yes. A few scattered milli-seconds of “awareness”. Mostly? I feel cold. And wet.