This is Mary. I had the opportunity to sit down with Nancy yesterday and have a long talk with her about everything that is happening, things she is thinking and feeling, and about questions we all have about everything.
I am not the best at translating my thoughts into words, and I know I get too wordy most of the time, so just bear with me! Also, these are MY thoughts, (combined with Nancy’s), so it my own questioning and deficiency of faith that I am revealing here…
First and foremost, where is Pat? We believe in the spirit, in his soul, and that he is still here with us in some way. But how and where, and why can’t he communicate with us, touch us, talk to us?
You hear your whole life about “heaven” and that this is where you go when you die – but really, what does that mean? Where is it? Is his soul still HIM, still the Pat we know and love? Is he still here? Is he thinking about us, watching us, WANTING to reach out and touch us? And if so, WHY are we unable to feel him, to hear him, to see him?
As much as I know Pat loves Nancy with his whole heart and soul, if he has a way to do so, he will, and he IS trying to reach out to her, to touch her, to tell her he is here, to tell her he loves her and will always love her, forever. Forever and ever….. But what exactly does that MEAN, if he is not here where she can actually touch him, see his eyes, hear his voice, smell his skin, feel his hugs? Our senses are so limited, but they are what we have here on this earth, in this life. I think there is some kind of “sense” that we are not equipped with that would be required to see and communicate with souls as they pass into the next life, the next world, the next universe, the next “form of being”.
I believe in the soul living on – I can’t even imagine that my love for my children and all of my family could possibly just die if I died. I love them too much – my love for them will go on into all of eternity, there is no way it would or could ever end. My husband has been gone for 11 years now, and I still talk to him and still feel his presence at times. We just don’t have the opportunity to sense them in the same way any more. It hurts not to hear their voices, not to be able to feel their warm hands in ours, to look into their eyes, to be able to talk to them and hear them talk back TO US about everything we are thinking and feeling as we go through this.
Nancy has many, many people who love her and reach out and touch her every day. Many people who genuinely love her and are deeply interested in what she is going through – but it is still PAT whom she longs to sit down with just to talk about all of this. It is Pat that needs to hear what this is like for her, it is Pat that needs to talk to her about what this all means, how it impacts her life, how to live through it, how to go on, how to be there for the kids, how to simply get through each and every day.
Another question we have, is WHY are we even here? What is the purpose of our lives? If we are only here for a short time, then if we can just disappear in death, unable to talk to or touch anyone any more, what does it all mean? Why do we (and not just US, but all of humanity) have to endure suffering and hardship, only to be left with questions of not knowing fully what it means? Yes, to US, Pat’s life means so very much, and nothing can take that away from us. But, as the years go on, and new lives come and go from this world, what does each of our individual lives really mean? WILL we be able to see each other again after we die? Will we be the same people? Will Pat be the same person, will he stay the same as he was on the last day we saw him alive?
We know the traditional Christian answers to these questions. I know these questions have been asked by all people throughout all time, and all we have is our faith. We have no real way of *knowing*, we just have our ideas and our faith in what may or may not be the truth. And that makes it so difficult when you are looking for truth, for reality, for evidence of what is REAL.
But even more than just these deep, philosophical-type questions, we have others. We wonder too, about Shane, about what he is going through. Does he think about Pat, does he read this site? Does he wonder where Pat is, about WHO Pat was in our lives? It hurts not to be able to talk to him, to hear what he may be thinking or feeling. We just have questions for him, like what really happened that night and morning. We don’t want to pass any judgment or anything, we just want to know. We wonder what his mom is thinking and feeling too. I can’t help but to think what if that was MY son? My heart would be broken into a million pieces, for a million different reasons. I would be wanting to reach out to the family that my son has changed forever, to let them know what we were thinking and feeling too. We understand that there are still legal proceedings, and Shane and his family have probably been advised NOT to contact us, but we still have these questions….