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Six months have passed since Pat died.  Half a year.

How have I been living without him for so long?!

The last month has been so up and down for me.  I tried to ignore the holidays, let them just slip by unnoticed while I hide out in my room.  Fortunately, my family and this wonderful community did NOT let Christmas pass unobserved.  I could NOT give my kids what they really want and need.  But, this community banded together and gave them some material happiness.  I am forever grateful!

I’ve begun looking forward a bit at a time.  I’ve even experienced some glimmers of hope.  When I come off the high of hope, though, I hit bottom so severely.

The snow is beautiful.  This winter has had plenty of sunshiney days.  I was so afraid of the typical South Bend winter with gloomy, dark days.  The snow brightens everything, and when the sun shines, I am overcome with hope and beauty.

While hiding away this last month, I’ve been doing some intensive group therapy via the internet.  There is an internet message board for young widows.  I have spent hours and hours of my time reading and sharing my grief with others who have been through so many of the same feelings as I have had.  It’s been good for me–I think better than a once-a-month (or week) real-life support group.  The anonymity of the internet has allowed us widows to really be honest, candid, and outright about what we’re dealing with.

I look back at the last six months and see such a fog, a blur.  Each day that I lived for these months, I really thought I was rational, aware, and present.  I tried to be.  It’s amazing, though, what the emotional brain and shock can do.  My mental capacity and attention span have severely suffered.

I have been attempting to do some web design jobs again.  It’s been a sorry struggle to stay focused on work.  I know I’ll improve, but it’s been tough dealing with an emotional brain.

Thank you to all of you who have inquired about me during this last month!

I send my love to all of you,

Nancy