Six months have passed since Pat died. Half a year.
How have I been living without him for so long?!
The last month has been so up and down for me. I tried to ignore the holidays, let them just slip by unnoticed while I hide out in my room. Fortunately, my family and this wonderful community did NOT let Christmas pass unobserved. I could NOT give my kids what they really want and need. But, this community banded together and gave them some material happiness. I am forever grateful!
I’ve begun looking forward a bit at a time. I’ve even experienced some glimmers of hope. When I come off the high of hope, though, I hit bottom so severely.
The snow is beautiful. This winter has had plenty of sunshiney days. I was so afraid of the typical South Bend winter with gloomy, dark days. The snow brightens everything, and when the sun shines, I am overcome with hope and beauty.
While hiding away this last month, I’ve been doing some intensive group therapy via the internet. There is an internet message board for young widows. I have spent hours and hours of my time reading and sharing my grief with others who have been through so many of the same feelings as I have had. It’s been good for me–I think better than a once-a-month (or week) real-life support group. The anonymity of the internet has allowed us widows to really be honest, candid, and outright about what we’re dealing with.
I look back at the last six months and see such a fog, a blur. Each day that I lived for these months, I really thought I was rational, aware, and present. I tried to be. It’s amazing, though, what the emotional brain and shock can do. My mental capacity and attention span have severely suffered.
I have been attempting to do some web design jobs again. It’s been a sorry struggle to stay focused on work. I know I’ll improve, but it’s been tough dealing with an emotional brain.
Thank you to all of you who have inquired about me during this last month!
I send my love to all of you,