Look your last at all things lovely every hour. ~Walter de la Mare
I feel as though I’ve been to the depths of life and tasted its core. Having been there, how do I now continue on with the inanities of living? Having been there, have I discovered the answers to the mysteries of LIFE? I’ve wrestled with these mysteries. I’ve explored them. I’m in the process of learning to embrace them.
Once again, I return to journal writings from a different me, long ago. Trying to get a grasp:
November 13, 1990
From living in the present, I have come to see life as beautiful. Even the struggles in life–especially the struggles–they give me a sense of accomplishment, something to work for, something to learn from. Sometimes the beauty of life, of the NOW, takes hold of me and tingles, affects, invigorates all of me—to the deepest core–so much so that I want to burst!!
I want to write. To express. Ideas. Core thinking. Beauty of life thinking. BEAUTY. LIFE. Beautiful words. How to express? What to do? What to be? Yes.
Live NOW! This moment. In the present…
Appreciate this moment. Value it. Love it. Notice it. Experience it. Taste it. Drink it. Feel it. Express it. Shout it.
Say it. Share it. Laugh it. Smile it. Cry it. Know it. Want it. Be it. Pray it.
Think it. Touch it. Hear it. See it. Embrace it. Kiss it. Remember it. Memorize it. Breathe it. Chills-down-the-spine it.
Create it. Capture it. Let it. Explode it. Enjoy it.
Do this each moment!
Trust. Now. Feel. Risk. Act. Respond. Love. Self. Me. Present. Accept. Power. Can. Create. Goals. Dream. Do, Smile, Cry.
Experience.
I’ve tried to live up to these words long ago. Can I now?
Kahlil Gibran:
I would not exchange the laughter of my heart for the fortunes of the multitudes, nor would I be content with converting my tears, invited by my agonized self, into calm. It is my fervent hope that my whole life on this earth will ever be
TEARS AND LAUGHTER
Tears that purify my heart and reveal to me the secret of life and its mystery,
Laughter that brings me closer to my fellow men;
Tears with which I join the broken-hearted,
Laughter that symbolizes joy over my very existence.
Nancy,
I like this poem I found on the Young Widows support blog, I think it applies to your quest to look for the positive side of life:
Remembrance
You can shed tears that he is gone, or
you can smile because he has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that he'll come back, or
you can open your eyes and see all that he has left you.
Your heart can be empty because you can no longer see him, or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live in yesterday, or
you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember him and only that he is gone, or
you can cherish his memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back,or you can do what he'd want for you,
To Smile More, Love More, Laugh More and Go On.
I think this says exactly what Pat would want you to do, and he did fill your heart with love and life, to draw upon in times like this.
Like I've told you before, I totally admire you and the way you are searching for meaning and life and love. It really is what Pat wants for you, for he has not stopped loving you – he will love you forever, into all of eternity.
i'm here. i'm listening.
love,
hannah marie
Nancy,
Thank you again for sharing such personal moments with those of us that watch to see how you are doing.
I can see your growth in your words…I see a spark.
How prolific that you wrote so many years ago…
“Memories are so permanent. They’re there and they never change. ”
What a wonderful set of words to comfort you…They never change!
I hope you and your family are enjoying the holiday season and can get some joy from your wonderful memories.
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Nancy,
I've been reading through your website…you are an amazing person and the depths to which you've gone are beautiful and inspiring. The part where you talk about realizing Pat was a 'segment' of your life…that's a place that I don't think many people ever reach, and is no small thing…and is beautiful in that it not only shows your love for him, but your respect for life and the universe (bigger picture) for us all. I am building a website called The Beauty of Now and I was googling the words and that's how i stumbled upon your site, its going to be a site full of my and friends links to things that are meaningful to us, be it spiritual, health, environment, etc….its going to be a way for people to gather and put together things that are meaningful to them…with no specific plan or goal in mind, only just the celebration of the beauty of now. I think you have and are discovering such things day by day….i'm glad I found this site….you truly are an inspiration. – Vince in AZ