Thoughts

Today marks the 3rd month since I last talked to Pat in the emergency room before his cranial surgery. Just writing that sentence has brought a flood of painful memories of my poor husband laying flatly strapped to an immobilizing spine board and in a neck brace. His puffy eyes opened when he heard my ...

My mourning has become a self-indulgent luxury. Finding time to mourn when so much is going on seems selfish. Last week, for the first time, I was able to consciously put myself in denial mode. For these reasons, I have not contributed much to this site for the last several days. I apologize to all ...

My mourning has become a self-indulgent luxury. Pat died 3 months ago yesterday. ...

The nursing department at IUSB is sponsoring an annual health fair that they have decided to name for our Patrick. One of Patrick’s main passions was health and fitness. This year’s IUSB health fair is concentrating on bicycles. Pat’s former nursing instructor, Teri Dobrzykowski, is teaching a class of nurses returning to school for their ...

Okay, I’ve spent the day looking at many pictures from Pat’s and my past.  What indescribable pain. The night before Pat’s memorial services, all my extended family was gathered at my house (which is also my parents’ house) searching through my boxes of pictures for photos of Pat to display at the services.  It was ...

I have so many thoughts, issues, and experiences I want to write about. For starters, what are the reasons I write on this blog that I know is public and open to anyone and everyone?  Why should I expose my feelings to the wide open internet abyss? Many reasons. I started this blog as a ...

I had the opportunity to speak to the court at the sentencing for Shane McGee.  I was able to speak about how Shane’s actions on the morning of July 16 affected me–to describe my loss.  I was also able to give my thoughts on his sentencing. I knew I would want to say something, but ...

I continue the statement I made before the court with one of Pat’s letters to me while I was pregnant with our third son: Letter from Pat to me, 1998 Dear Nancy, Why do I want to live?  I want to be whole.  I want to know a bliss that I believe exists.  I believe ...

From WNDU’s site: Nursing students at IUSB took time today to honor a former friend and classmate who died in a hit and run. IUSB held their annual health fair today, but renamed it the Patrick Sawyer Memorial Health Fair. Sawyer was an IUSB nursing student who was hit and killed while riding his bike ...

This grief and mourning is constantly taking on new shapes.  When I think I’m reaching a tolerance for the feelings and issues I’m dealing with, the wave ebbs and then flows again, first crashing wildly upon me.  Each time, it hurts, it’s raw, and it’s deep. My emotional brain is only allowing me to handle ...

No longer forward nor behind I look in hope or fear; But, grateful, take the good I find, The best of now and here. John Greenleaf Whittier During this period of Thanksgiving, I cannot help but think of all the good I have experienced in the last several months.  Each one of you has added ...

Here I am alone on Monday night. All the kids (and parents!) are asleep and I’m listening to the music I chose for this Web site while, in a new tab, I am reading through the pain and anguish of other young men and women on an internet bulletin board for young widow/ers. So much ...

I’ve just spent 17 years working at my dream of being married and having a family.  It’s funny–I spent all my young life planning for college, career, marriage, children.  I had specific goals, and looking back, I believe I accomplished them just as I had always envisioned. But, I never had a long-term vision for ...

Look your last at all things lovely every hour.  ~Walter de la Mare I feel as though I’ve been to the depths of life and tasted its core.  Having been there, how do I now continue on with the inanities of living?  Having been there, have I discovered the answers to the mysteries of LIFE?  ...

11:54 p.m. Note to self: Next new winter widow I meet is going to get an electric blanket for her bed from me! Thanks, Mom. Pat was always so warm.  Piled-on blankets just don’t do it for me. ...

Today, my sister Mary took Daniel and me to the license bureau so Daniel could get his driver’s education permit (yes, I am that old). The last time I was at the license bureau was this past August, a few weeks after Pat died.  I had to sign Pat off of the cars’ titles and ...

Six months have passed since Pat died.  Half a year. How have I been living without him for so long?! The last month has been so up and down for me.  I tried to ignore the holidays, let them just slip by unnoticed while I hide out in my room.  Fortunately, my family and this ...