To My Patrick

From Kelly, Reflections
July 23, 2009
Happy Father’s Day
July 11, 2010

To My Patrick

My Patrick.  My dear, dear Patrick.  My forever mine Patrick.

Why am I writing a letter to my dead husband?!!!  Dead–such a hard word to even use in connection with you, with us, with what we could have been, with what we wanted to be.

DEAD.  My God!!  NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But YES.

I told myself after you died that I would be committed to saying yes more often.  Yes to all life had to show me.  Yes to all I could give to life.  Yes.

And now I have to say yes to your death.  Yes to OUR death.  WE are no longer.  All you are, all you were, all we were, will forever be infused within me and carried forward in my ability to continue living and loving.  Forever in our 4 beautiful living and loving children–Daniel, Joseph, Thomas, and Laura.

Stay with me.  Stay with us!

You were so beautiful.  So imperfectly perfect.
WE were so beautiful.  So perfectly imperfect.

We were simple.  We were honest.  We were truthful and trying.  We were hopeful.  Idealists.  Strove to live the best to enjoy the now.  And to enjoy the future.  You were always looking forward, worried about making the right choices now so that your family’s future would be good. happy.  provided for.  loved.  protected.

You had such an admiringly strong sense of confidence in yourself which radiated to all those around you.  A strong, yet very caring, leader.  Such a strong balance of gentleness, compassion, insight, sensibility, and…YES…insensibility.

You changed me.  You gave me strength.  You gave me confidence.

You never quit as a father or as a husband.

……….that’s all I can muster for now.  More later……….

I love you forever,

Nancy

1299 Comments

  1. Annie says:

    Nancy,

    Very nicely written…very touching…still hard to wrap around this…

    We see your strength…your confidence…your change…

    We love you!

    Annie

  2. Emi Ransom says:

    After I posted my note about Garry- I wondered who was this Patrick Sawyer and this site mentioning, my son Garry. I read on and was amazed how parallel our lives are. I'm so sorry for you loss. I miss my son tremedously. I resolved to the fact that there is nothing I can do to bring him back. It's been very difficult. But we have to carry on – and keep our HAPPY memories and LOVE in our hearts. Sincerely, Emi Ransom (Garry's Mom) and LOVE.